12 Essential “Friends” to Add to Your Zombie Apocalypse Friends List

Cliques. Something we all remember from high school and most of us lament. Hate to break it to you, while the world burns and that dude next to you in his letterman’s jacket is gnawing away at what he seems to think is a tasty piece of scapula, they still exist. Though I’m sure your high school didn’t have hood wearing religious zealots (maybe if you were raised in the south) marching the halls we all remember the basic social structure. Your jocks, stoners, metal heads, honor roll kids, theater geeks, computer nerds, preps, punks; While the nostalgia is nice we’ll leave it there. Our wonderful post apocalyptic paradise shall be no different. Now do you remember that one kid that could transcend all those groups? He listened to slayer, dressed well, played sports, was in school plays and could be found at almost every party. That is who you want to be. The Princess Diana of your new walking corpse infested kingdom; or Prince Harry if you prefer. Point is your best chance at survival is to ditch all those preconceptions of people you should have left in the 60’s anyways and assemble a small yet useful, proficient group of ruffians. This while making you not only the coolest kid in school, will raise your chance of survival exponentially. Or you could take your chances with the weirdos chanting in the hoods “The talking twinkies”. Either way here we will outline some people your probably going to want on your side.

1. A Chef.

Duh, we all have to eat. While some of you may be saying, “Seriously your number one is a luxury”. I do not see it that way. Have you ever tried to eat a dandy lion? How about a tree frog? We spend a good amount of time watching shows like “Bizarre Foods” and “Chopped” thinking to ourselves, man they make that stuff look good. That is the person i want assembling my nourishment after a cold night after a supply run through hordes of zombie Kim Jung Un’s and Kimbo Slice’s. A man or woman who can make me something i would have payed to eat when money was still exchanged for services. Someone who can make my mouth water over, Mushroom, Crab grass, Snail and Rat soup. With a side three year old canned corned bread. Plus, the moral boost that would bring in itself. All of us know how to pick a berry and eat it. Not all of us can make a demi-glace.

2. A Meathead.

Now what i mean by this is not some Pauly D looking brochacho but someone who could squat my body weight. Now if you want to fist pump your way like a champ right into the jaws of some rot faced teeny bopper be my guest, but what we really need in our group is a real man. Someone who can take the lead when say, there is a tree fallen across the road while searching for food. A person who can quickly lift a manhole lid for a temporary hide out while a few zombies rattle around looking for a above ground treat. Just a generally large man. He doesn’t need to be a meathead in the sense that he is a brainless piece of man meat. But he does need to be man meat. Thats what’s most important here.

3. Doctor/Nurse/Vet.

When I say obvious pick this is the one we should all agree on. This could be the only difference between you and Poor ol’ Mary from the Oregon trail that never made it to Chimney Rock before failing victim to dysentery. We have made tons of steps in medicine since the days of lewis and Clark. We could all name hundreds right now of that I’m certain. Now if we only knew how to administer them… a person with medical training would probably know how. Shucks. Thanks snake bite, off i go to meet my maker.

4. The Entertainer.

I cant imagine that zombies have communication degrees nor do they pine to make decent television. That being said those days and nights when there is nothing to do, no new friends to make and worst of all no open bars could get very, very long. Boredom is a killer. Somewhere there is a saying about complacency backing that up (feel free to google it). So someone with some talent in entertaining may be pretty decent to have handy. Give the group some guitar lessons, sure. Sing queen songs while donning a fake mustache? Why the hell not? Suddenly being the guy with all the drinking games at parties in college just got useful.  Not only will it keep moral up a bit I’m certain at least one person in the group would join in on the good times themselves. Cant stay bored forever or else what is the point in fending off the waves after waves of undead you have been tirelessly defending yourself from day in and day out. Who knows? If he is convincing enough perhaps he could teach everyone the dance from the Thriller video and now he has not only entertained everyone but has also shown you all the art of active camouflage. Though id probably wait to test that one until there is another entertaining person in your group then tell him to prove it first. However if it didn’t work his last act could be to entertain you while being devoured emulating the king of pop.

5. The Voice.

A quick look at any successful assembly of people will show you that they all share one thing in common; a face, a voice. The X-Men had Professor X. American idol has Ryan Seacrest. In a time where anything you don’t know is your enemy you should probably have one as well. Someone who can defuse a situation. Speak evenly for a group and most of all someone who is bold enough to stand their ground in case you run into any “factions” you may have a disagreement with. This also doubles within the group. As you go through your electoral phase’s (whatever those may be) it will be up to his cool resolve to ensure the news is taken well by everyone involved. In normal life he may have just been a pick up artist at a bar, however his uncanny ability to pull 6 outta 10’s from the local watering hole nearly every night in real life will certainly pay off in this regard during the zombie apocalypse.

6. The Car Guy.

You know who I’m talking about. His lawn looks more like a scene from Mad Max then it does a place where children are meant to play. He in always in a sleeveless shirt covered in grease and the only time he is missing from his garage is when some sort of major nascar event is airing. In normal life he seems a bit like a hoarder of metal scraps made before the year 1972 but i can assure you given the time and capitol he would be able to rebuild each and every single one of those extinct beasts laying dormant in his yard; that my friend is exactly why you need him. Sure you read the zombie survival guide you know all about how a bike is clearly the best option… yeah well fuck that my legs get tired and there is just no replacement for a SUV when I’m trying to travel with all the supplies i need to survive a potentially cold winter. Seeing as how the government does not bless us all with congratulatory SUV’s on our 16th birthdays (because what the fuck is the environment) your probably going to have to acquire one, two or maybe more. Guess who knows how to get those rust buckets running. He does, in all his Dale Earnhart hat wearing, Coors light drinking glory. He does. After you clean out all the corpse residue from the inside that is.

7. The Right Wing Gun Nut.

“Cat Scratch Fever” ever heard of it? Well it’s likely this guy’s favorite song. Written by his favorite person, Ted Nugent. Hell if your lucky enough and in the right place at the right time you could possibly land the actual Nuge. This good ol’ boy has possibly served his country, though maybe not. He certainly will earn his keep battling the undead by your side. Hell he may be the whole reason your capable of battling them and not just running from them with sharpened sticks. Gun locks? He is ready and capable the moment you meet him. Sure he named all his hand gun’s after lot lizards from decades passed. But “shelly” is going to treat you much better than that stick we talked about earlier. Even if shelly leaves your ego feeling a bit deflated you can rest much better knowing that this guy is standing guard with his 50 caliber machine gun, chew in his lip. This god damn sexual tyrannosaur is ready to mow down anything coming your way; the walking dead, or liberal hippy.

8. The Moderator.

It’s two a.m., the bar has just let out and the not so gentleman you had been vindictively flicking ice cubes at all night just so happens to be hanging about in the parking lot as well. Him eyeing you on your way to your Uber (cause your responsible, right?) decides that right now is the perfect places to settle the score. However just before it comes to blows your friend who normally is mildly spoken and avoids situations just like the one you have now put them smack dab in the middle of springs into action. Their words like a warm blanket of reason and truth put everything into perspective for the both of you and before you know it instead of being on the ground bleeding, embarrassed and possibly concussed with wet pants you are safely being ran through your local Del Taco and then off to bed. Why is this the case? Because of your friends cool resolve in the face of adversity. They took the stranger and your mutual problem and by showing you the results of your potential actions in a colorful light and possibly a bit of apologizing for their dumb friend made you both see the error of your ways and got you home safely. Have you ever been stuck with the same ten or so people for a week? How about a month? years? Now how about possibly the rest of you life (which could be shorter than all of those) there is bound to be some disagreements. This person can quickly play judge and jury by calming the situation and sending you both on your merry way. Which is much better than running of a system akin to the emperors from the gladiators, only one thumbs down away from being fed to a looming hoard of bloated corpses.

9. The Crook.

While most our list has consisted of people who while probably should haven’t necessarily broken any laws this one has. Though some what minor in the grand scheme. Once the twitch from detoxing from whatever his drug of choice which is what lead him to be a thief anyways wears off he will be a valuable asset to you. Need in that door without a ruckus, just use one of those now useless credit cards your still trying to find wifi to pay the bill on. Need someone with loose morals to get a job of questioning practices but profitable results? He’s your guy. Now of course you’d prefer a cat burglar with tools like Tom Cruise in mission impossible but a run of the mill junkie with a bit of finesse will do the trick. Though if you happen to be friends with any cat burglars who have experience stealing famous diamond, Van Gogh paintings or ancient artifacts they would be someone id call before we lost the phones. A car thief would also work though I’m guessing their tactics are quite a bit louder so id be weary. Just make sure you guy isn’t still on the stuff. As fighting zombies with a tweaker by your side may sound like a great plot for a movie. But i don’t think id like Tyron Biggams covering my flank when is he stoping every time he sees a fleck of white on the ground. MMMMmmmm Crack. Guess its better than brains.

10. The Handy Man.

This is another one of the no brainers for me. Your going to need to build reinforced shelters and keep them up snuff (which is actual code in the zombie apocalypse so don’t worry about city zoning busting your balls). He is a great help in many ways. Plus once your hunkered down somewhere that is starting to feel homey he can get you some form of fresh water intake set up. A latrine and really anything else that you otherwise would not be able to build yourself. However handymen are notoriously grumpy so during this time where his services are invaluable may want to be treated as such. So woo him a bit. Let him know why being with you has its benefits. After all if you don’t, you could be the one outside his totally awesome tree fort while he pulls up his retractable ladder, zombies closing in from all sides and your doom was sealed by not showing proper appreciation for his absolutely amazing adult level tree house building abilities.

11. The Hunter.

While any number of these people mentioned formerly could have some knowledge of hunting (especially if you get lucky with the Nuge) I’m not talking solely about someone who hides in a camouflaged tent in the woods and shots a deer while it eats some leaves i mean the kind that will follow a bear through the woods for days. Someone who can track, and not something they shot with a bow. Now just because i picture some bad ass indian dude doesn’t mean he has to be i just share that because i feel it enhances the description of what i mean. Think Billy from Predator. That way no matter what the game you know for sure you’ve always got the one up.

12. The “I Took Science in College” Guy.

I would simply say a scientist but what are the chances? Plus what would you use all that knowledge for? Not like you’ll be building a reactor to power your zombie hideaway paradise. So i figured a basic understanding of college level sciences would be plenty. There are tons of ways this could benefit you. Ever watch those survival shows where someone makes fire out of water and that element that looks like silver shards? Know what its called? Yeah i don’t either i could google it but i wont and pretend like i knew what it was called because this proves my point! That fucking guy would know what its called, where to find it and how to properly use it. Fire from water, yes that is handy. Its unreal what you can do with a basic understanding of multiple sciences and how to apply them. So if you find a half stoned kid with shaggy hair and a 90’s go tee wondering around if a Alabama sweat shirt roll the fucking tide on over and pick him up. Based upon what i know about science majors (of whom i know exactly one) thats what they look like. The more like shaggy from Scooby Doo the more likely that dude owns at least some beakers, or payed close attention to every episode of breaking bad.

This post brought to you by T.J. Libra