Zombies are all the rage, it seems. Why, they’re everywhere! (AAAGGH! There’s one behind you!) HA! Just kidding, but I probably made you look. Being eaten by a zombie is no small matter, and most of us just can’t afford an over-priced Zombie Apocalypse Survive Kit. It’s like going to the gym. You know you need to, but you’re not going to do it. So just in case everyone’s not full of Walking Dead crap and there is a Z-POC, us common folk need to be ready. So here are my tips for good-ole practical zombie talk and how to convince a zombie NOT to eat you!
No. 7 Invite the zombie to dig right in!
Zombies just don’t expect to be welcomed dinner guests, so when approached by the jaw-clicking zom, simply raise your shirt sleeve and thrust your meaty arm straight toward him, bidding him to dig in! This is one of many confusion tactics that can sent the stunned zombie into brain freeze that could last for up to fifteen minutes. So as soon as you see the zombie’s blank eyes lock into a dead stare – run like hell!
No. 6 Dress up like fruitcake
Come on – nobody likes fruitcake! Not even zombies! But beware … this doesn’t work very well on Jewish zombies or former living people who celebrated Christmas year round.
No. 5 Threaten the zombie with a classic line!
When you see the zombie is drawing near and ready to take a bite out of you, stand firm with your arms crossed and look the living dead thing in the maggot-filled eyes and state: “If you eat me, I will haunt you like a mother-in-law!” This works on any zombie that was formerly married in life.
No. 4 Dress up as a skeleton
Think about it … this is brilliant! When the starving zombie approaches you and looks you over, seeing all bones and no meat, simply state: “You’re too late.”
No. 3 Dress up as a zombie!
This is a great bluff to pull. Zombies don’t eat other zombies! Why? Hell … I don’t know! They just don’t, okay? That’s basic Zombie 101. When the zombie squeaks out, “I … eat … you …”, you reply back, “No … I … eat … you!” If the zombie continues to argue, “No … I … eat … YOU …”, revert back to No. 7 above.
No. 2 Dress up like Obi-Wan Kenobi
This requires some acting talent and a big set of balls! As the zombie approaches, it’s show time! Just wave your hand before the zombie’s face and state: “This is not the body you’re looking for.” If the zombie is not a Star Wars fan … revert back to No. 7!
No. 1 Play “I Got Your Nose”
Note: This WILL NOT WORK if the zombie doesn’t have a nose! But once you have the nose, declare: “Back off, man – or I’ll eat this nose!” Once again, this is a great confusion tactic that may work. “May”.
Todd Goodman is a lame and tired hack writer and self-publisher of Old World Comics. When not doing terrible things to his pet iguana with a fork, he likes to constantly check his web hits for new traffic. So for God’s sake … git on over there at www.oldworldcomics.com and check out all the satellite websites full of stuff!