“I love Giorgio Armani, not just because his clothes are awesome but because his brain tasted amazing!” — Zombie Fashion Show Host
This is a part of the ongoing series “A Different Take on Zombie Survival Plans“.
They say that fashion, or clothes, make the man (or woman) but did you also know that fashion could be the very thing that keeps you alive in the zombie apocalypse?
I know you have it all pictured in your head how it’s going to be and look. You’ll be in some bad ass gear with a shotgun in one hand and a chainsaw in the other chopping off heads and making zombies go down like a fat kid on a see saw. More than likely that scenario would play out with you chopping your own leg off because you weren’t holding the shotgun with enough respect but I’ll leave that part alone for now.
What you wear will be more important than what weapons you carry!
When you picture yourself what are you wearing? Is it something you’ve never thought of? OR it may be sunglasses, long overcoat, camo pants, with some army boots and carrying a shotgun and roaring chainsaw. Am I right? WRONG! You’ll end up snagging that coat on something and being a brain pie for a zombie by day two. Don’t even get me started on the rest of it.
Now here are some helpful tips or suggestions on how you should dress when the apocalypse comes.
Zombie Survival Tip #2
Dress like a superhero but without a cape! That’s right folks you need to turn to your friendly neighborhood Spider-man for fashion tips to give yourself the best edge to surviving the zombies.
Head to toe, skin tight everything, and nothing flowing. Don’t worry about the colors because it’s been scientifically proven that zombies are colorblind. We know that for a fact because we just made it up. So the idea of you camouflaging yourself by what you wear is pointless. Since you won’t know if the virus is air born or only through bodily fluids (No zombie sex either) contact then you need to make sure every inch of you is covered at all times. For extra protection leather is all you need. Layer up in leather if you got it around. Of course if you live anywhere near one of those “Medieval “ themed places go looting around for some chain-mail…but in a pinch leather pants and jacket will work too. It’s lighter than chain mail and still resistant to the stinging bite of the undead.
There is no need for the Iron Man suit or the Kevlar body armor. Either of those would wear you out just humping it around all day plus you still need to be 100% covered in other areas. That means long sleeves, gloves, helmet, and just be extra safe duct tape to seal off those hard to reach areas….But wait there’s more! You’ll also need some sort of face-mask to cover up your mouth and nose. A scuba mask will do the trick. Why? It’s not only to protect you from the possibilities of the virus but to also block the smell! Let’s face it folks…the apocalypse is going to be putrid to say the least. Ever been around a rotting carcass? It makes you want to vomit doesn’t it? Now imagine 80-90% of the population being a walking, ready to eat you, rotting carcass.
Wear sensible shoes too. Don’t wear anything that you aren’t already familiar with and have tried to run in before. No high heels of course and even though steel toe boots sound like they kick a lot of ass they add extra weight to the front of your foot. If you aren’t used to that weight being there it will throw your balance off. Maybe not a lot but some and is looking bad ass worth being a living rotting smelly carcass? But you’d look like a bad ass zombie!
So where do we go from here? The next tip will be about what zombie vehicle you shouldn’t be without and why hasn’t The Walking Dead thought of it yet?
Do you agree? Let us know what you’d wear in the apocalypse in the comments below.
Check out the entire series from the start.
Part 1: A different take on the zombie survival plan
Part 2: No Place Like Home
Part 3: Zombie Fashion Show
Part 4: Zombie Escape Vehicle
Part 5: Zombie Apocalypse Weapon of Choice
Part 6: CARDIO!