I want to be a better father but I didn’t know how. I also want to survive the inevitable Zombie Apocalypse but I didn’t know how.

At least I had a plan for the Zombie Apocalypse but not one for being a better father. Is that wrong?

It’s like the old “you got your chocolate in my peanut butter. You’ve got your peanut butter on my chocolate” conundrum Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups solved in the 80’s or the “why not both” girl from the taco commercial.

Fatherhood was rapidly approaching and I still caught myself fantasizing about what I would do if the Zombie Apocalypse happened right then. It hit me like a ton of bricks one day. I was more prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse than I was prepared for being a better father. Heck, I wasn’t even prepared to be a crappy dad and that takes like ZERO effort or preparation.

My mind quickly shifted to thinking about what I’d need to do to survive a fatherhood apocalypse. Sure I could still have fun with it. Instead of teaching him how to throw a strike in baseball or a nice tight spiral in football I could teach him how to “aim for the head” or how to properly swing an ax using good form to make sure you expend the least amount of energy possible so you can swing it all day long…because using good form will win out over brute strength 99% of the time.

Of course all about being a better father is by NOT messing your kid up so bad that they become “that” kid that the other kids talk about and no one wants to be around. Again this shouldn’t be that hard to do…but what do I know right?

So one sleepless night as I was laying peacefully in bed driving myself crazy trying to remember who the hell played the original Penguin in the Batman TV show I decided to get up and write some things down and make a plan to become a better father than my father was.

As usual, my mind wandered to the Zombie Apocalypse but this time I thought about how I had originally made my survival plan…could I take the lessons learned from that and make a list on how to become a better father?

1. Get prepared

Just by looking around my basement you may, or may not find close to a month’s worth of canned food, water, and toiletries to outlast the initial fallout. The panic that will ensue those first weeks will be the worst. Sitting in the basement, fortified with a full belly while listening to the chaos on the radio will be much better than fighting through it.

So how could I work that to make fatherhood easier on me? Simple – I bought a ton of diapers, baby food, dry formula, wipes, basically anything that I would need to keep a baby happy and healthy for a long time.

2. Willing to adapt

This one is more of a mindset than anything. In the Zombie Apocalypse, you’ll need to be able to rearrange your plan at a moment’s notice because you never know what lurks in the next room waiting to hear any sort of noise that would alert them that possible “food” is nearby.

With young kids, it’s pretty much the same. Except when they bite you, you don’t become a kid again. You’ll be pushed to the brink of madness if you aren’t able to bend with the child. Want to get up and go out to a nice breakfast? Too bad your kid booked a morning temper tantrum that recorded a solid 10 on the Richter scale all because “Daniel Tiger” was not on the TV the exact second they want to watch it.

3. No more excuses

When zombies roam the earth you will have to do things you’d never thought possible. You’ll have to reach deep down inside yourself and pull off some magical miracle moments just to get by day to day. No more excuses…do what you need to do!

When you’re a father you’ll have to do things you’d never thought possible. You’ll have to reach deep down inside yourself and pull off some magical miracle moments just to get by day to day…. No excuses… Be a better father!

4. Be a role model

During the Zombie Apocalypse, it will be every man for himself in most survivors eyes. It doesn’t HAVE to be that way. You should try to help fellow survivors and stabilize humanity to the point to where fighting off the dead will become a thing of the past. You’ll have to be someone that everyone can look up to because role models will be few and far between.

Likewise to be a better father you can’t the person you are now. Think about you…..do you want another you running around on this earth. Of course not. You’ll have to become someone better. Think to yourself “who is the best person I know that has all the qualities that I want to see in my kids?”. Now try your hardest to act like that person.

5. Listen to people

Not all ideas will be dumb during the Zombie Apocalypse. You should at least hear people out in their questions or concerns with any ideas or plans you are implementing.

You should always at least listen to your kids. To be a better father you need to put away the cell phone and listen to your kids. Sure 99.9% of what they have to say will be shit but for god sake don’t miss out on that .01% and the only way not to miss out is to listen all the time.

6. Be honest

Zombies don’t care if you lie to them…just as long as you give them some of that sweet, sweet brain matter you’ve got up in that head of yours.

Be honest with your kids too. There’s very little worse to a child than being promised something by the person they trust most only for that person to not deliver. To be a better father it may mean hurting their feels early on but not breaking their heart by lying to them. To go from the highest highs to the lowest low can cause a devastating ripple effect on them throughout their life. So if you don’t plan on taking them to Disney World tell them “No”.

7. Better shape

If you think you won’t need cardio during the Zombie Apocalypse you are sadly mistaken. Every aspect of survival will depend on it. From running away to fighting for your life you’ll be sucking air like there’s no tomorrow…because you know….there may not be a tomorrow.

Kids are worse than a crack head on a hella high when it comes to energy. If you could bottle that up and sell it you’d quickly become the ruler of the world. They don’t have a breaking point and will play until their body says “Game over man! I’m done!” and they fall asleep where ever they are. Since you can’t leave them unattended for more than 5.5 seconds you’ll need to be able to keep up with them. Then pass out when they do.

8. Learned how much my family means to me

Ever hear the saying “you never know what you’ve got until it’s gone”. Imagine everything gone. That’ll be the apocalypse in a nutshell. So cherish your family and especially your little ones. Because one day they won’t be so little and they won’t be all over you..and I’m told that we will miss that.

Cue “Cat’s in the Cradle”.

Here’s a short film that’s completely awesome about a father protecting his kid during the zombie apocalypse