Does this sound familiar–“When the zombie apocalypse starts I’m going to Walmart!”

Oh yeah? So no one else will be there, and you’ll have all the guns and ammunition, and first-aid, and food? Walmart will be the very first place to be vandalized when the apocalypse (I mean how great are the chances that it really will be a zombie apocalypse?) begins. BUT, let’s say you are a genius and no one around you has thought to go there–are you prepared to keep that giant building secure? All of those glass doors? While you’re watching the front doors, who’s watching the loading dock? And the sides, Lawn and Garden, and Tire and Oil? What about the fact that there is thousands of pounds of raw meat rotting quickly! Have fun šŸ˜‰

Walmart Zombies!

Now let’s back-track. How many drug stores, fast food joints, liquor stores, mom and pop stores, and pawn shops did you pass on your track to Wally World? I have news for ya those frozen burgers thawing out are going to be better for you than fighting the masses for those cans sitting on the shelves. Not to mention LESS zombies to deal with.

Sure they may not have a lot of ‘real’ beef, but guess what, those preservatives they crammed in them now means they last longer, the produce in those cans have been cooked for so long most of their nutrients went up in smoke(nutrients will be so much more important now). Not to mention how freaking nasty those factories are and what all the FDA allows to go into each can (rat hair, maggots, rust, cigarette ashes, yum yum yum) YES I do realize the burgers come from a factory as well, but how about this-I’d rather carry around 3 burgers than 3 cans!! And those burgers will give you more energy than those cans. Restaurants also have first aid kits, fire extinguishers, and a shit ton of metal…plus less zombies….after all it is a zombie apocalypse!

McZombies!

Ok, now on to that liquor store you past since you thought ‘Now is not a time to get drunk’. Do you realize how valuable that white lightening is?? All of the white liquors (like vodka, gin, tequila) will clean out a wound, start a fire quick, and is a good item to barter.

What about those drug stores? –Think about all the peanut butter protein bars in there! LOL. Drug stores also have all that alcohol, peroxide, hand sanitizer, and lip gloss (because you’re sexy and you know it). Let’s not forget theĀ antihistamines, penicillin (grab all them cillins), insulin (yeah, you’re still a diabetic) SUN SCREEN, ace bandages and band-aids for your booboos. Also grab a Hallmark card for your Aunt May in Alabama. Hallmark should totally make a “zombie apocalypse sympathy” card!

Now on to the pawn shops. They have goodies galore and you can only think of the guns and ammo. What about the big ass generators you tripped over to get to the counter? How about all that jewelry? Most pawn shops have a little smelter in the back to melt down all that gold! SNIP the stone part off before throwing the rings in there! Sheesh. Now you have more to barter with, trust me sooner or later you will need to barter. Plus don’t forget that all those lawn mowers have blades too. Most pawn shops carry other garden tools, axes and saws, etc. Cut the cords off everything electric and use that as rope. Look for a wagon or if the liquor store or pawn shop is big enough then there will be at least one shopping cart. GRAB IT!! Poof! Now you have a grill and a pack mule not to mention you’ll be walking around the zombie apocalypse in style! You’re welcome!

Shopping Cart from Hell!

I should get those stiletto boots huh?

Now what to do with all those burgers? Look on youtube before the apocalypse happens! Making and operating a smoker is pretty simple. Smoked food last a long time. It’s also lighter to carry and won’t attract zombies as easily as raw meat.

shopping cart grill

Grab purses out of that boutique shop and store your smoked meats in them (GREAT! she has me grabbing lip gloss and purses now…this zombie apocalypse will make me fabulous!).

Something else you should keep in that shopping cart is news papers. You will find them every where. While you’re in any building grab some paper. You’re going to need to start some fires.

*Here’s a big tip–take 1/2 Epsom salt and 1 cup rubbing alcohol, mix up good, NO other ingredients , and set it on fire — POOF smokeless fire!! Many other survivors will see your smoke in the distance and come shoot you and steal your purse and the McSmoked bugers!! Ā When you do have to light a normal fire, watch your ass more! And put out that fire with dirt as soon as you are finished with it. If you put out with water it still smokes for a while*

Smokeless Zombie Fire!

You know of a bank down the road? Does it have a vault? Check it out on your way for your supplies, and see if the vault is open (sometimes when it appears shut and locked it isn’t, it’s slightly a jarred). Go in there, drill a few big wholes in the ceiling (get a drill from the pawn shop dummy!) at least one in each corner (bank ceilings are thick, drill until you see light!) It doesn’t matter if you have to make those holes by shooting up the ceiling, or using the pin of a hammer, just get it done…. oh and bring a ladder too. Reason for the holes, that vault will need air vents if/when you need to lock yourself in there. Now I imagine that closing that door will be a one time thing, (considering I’ve never robbed a bank…yet) unless you know how to reset the lock (no electricity so I don’t know if that’s a possibility). If you do get locked in there, use the ladder to get to that ceiling, and find a way to tear up the ceiling big enough to get out of there. Also that vault is a big cave for hiding all of your supplies. Just don’t shut the door all the way, and keep booby traps around.

shopping cart grill

And don’t forget to look for batteries everywhere. Radios, and clocks in the offices. Wall clocks. Go to Walmart after everyone grabbed those guns and get all the batteries!

Now go work on your zombie apocalypse scenario, since I popped your bubble.