The pen may be mightier than the sword…but we wouldn’t make that our Zombie Apocalypse Weapon of Choice!
This is a part of the ongoing series “A Different Take on Zombie Survival Plans“.
The Zombie Apocalypse has happened. Quick, what do you grab? A cheeky 9mm? An ever popular 12 gauge? An all-purpose AK-47? Or your everyday running shoes? I hope you answered yes to the last one, or you my friend are gonna be zombie chow within the month.
When thinking about a weapon, there are three main points to consider; Availability, Noise and Ease of Use. Now I am aware that the availability of guns and ammo are significantly easier to get hold of in the USA than the UK, but still. If everyone has a gun and all the ammo they can get their hands on. How much ammo do think you can grab? How long is it going to last? Now I’m a smart guy and could rustle up some gunpowder ‘Breaking Bad’ style, but even I wouldn’t dream of making ammunition with homemade gunpowder. That’s a recipe that’s gonna blow my hands off.
Guns are loud (140 – 190 decibels to be precise). That noise is going to carry. Everything within a ½ mile radius is going to hear it. Noise draws attention. Attention draws Zombies. Have you ever notice how in a film, after a zombie is shot a mob ALWAYS shows up right away? Is this just lazy screenwriters upping the tension for dramatic effect? Or is it evidence of zombies being attracted by the noise?
Finally if the only way to kill a zombie is a head shot, can you guarantee, that every shot you make will be a headshot. And if you have limited ammunition and don’t want to make noise it’s not like you can practice.
So guns are bad then, let’s look at melee weapons. How about Swords? When taking swords and zombies most people think of a Katana. Well let’s consider it against our criteria. Availability is….. surprisingly low. Seriously, you know all those display swords you see about. Yeah most of those are display pieces only, even if you sharpened them they wouldn’t really be much good, the blades would snap off real quick. Noise wise, swords are better than guns as they are silent. Finally ease of use, I mean technically anyone could use a sword, but using them well is a skill. Also it’s worth noting katanas are designed for cutting bamboo armour and flesh, they won’t remove limbs and won’t get through a skull. A broad sword is meant to smash plate armour so at least that could kill a zombie, but like I say is hard to use skilfully.
So not a sword then, what else are classic zombie weapons? I know, a chainsaw. Do I really need to go through all the ways this is a bad idea? It’s not much quieter than a gun shot at approximately 110 Decibels, either it has a cord and you can fight zombie in your own personal two meter zone of terror or it’s petrol powered, so now you have to find petrol. I would not be recommending one of these.
So what’s silent and more common than a sword? How about an axe? Yeah you find these around, fire axes and the like. An axe will meet all of the criteria relatively well but relative to their size, they have a very small effective kill zone. They also have the added danger of getting stuck in a skull. One hard swing and you’ve taken down the first threat and then…. You’re effectively unarmed to deal with a second. This is a potential risk with all bladed weapons, so I suggest sticking to bludgeoning type tools.
Let’s look at our most common weapon yet. A hammer. Just about every household owns one, they can be bought in any hardware store, there are silent and any one can use them. So shall we go with that? No. Of course not you fool. They’re like 30cm long. If you want to get within 30cm of the business end of a zombie, good luck to ya. They might be worth keeping on you for emergencies, but I wouldn’t want one as my primary weapon.
No, if you want melee weapons it has to be something like a bat or a club. My personal preference has always been a staff. Weapons of this type are very common, even if all the sports shops have been looted a decent length of pipe or scaffolding pole will do. Unlike the other weapons this one also serves as a tool. It can be used as a walking stick etc. Not sure if that zombie is dead? Poke it with you staff from as far away as possible. It can’t grab you and if it does manage to take your bat you can always use your hammer.
But I’ve still not talked about your best weapon, although I did briefly touch on it in the opening paragraph. Simply it is decent pair of running shoes. I mean have you seen the speed zombies can move? Either it’s a slow shuffle and you lose them if you walk too quickly, or they’re are rage zombies and why the hell do you want to be close enough to fight them? Fighting should really be a last resort. Zombies are really only dangerous in large numbers or if they catch you by surprise, but why risk it. In the words of wise old Mr Miyagi, “The best block is, no be there”.
So where do we go from here? Up next we’ll hit you with an undeniable truth that you need to fix right now!
Do you agree? Let us know your Zombie Apocalypse Weapon of Choice in the comments below.
Check out the entire series from the start.
Part 1: A different take on the zombie survival plan
Part 2: No Place Like Home
Part 3: Zombie Fashion Show
Part 4: Zombie Escape Vehicle
Part 5: Zombie Apocalypse Weapon of Choice
Part 6: CARDIO!