“Zombie Weapons should be a class taught in High School!” –Redneck American

So you want to be a zombie hunter and save us from the zombie scourge that’ll eventually plague humanity? Well sit back and take a beat to let the following article digest in your brain so when the time comes you’ll know to avoid at least these five zombie weapons that your gut will tell you to jump all over.

We decided not to include guns in this zombie weapons list and will save that for another article.

#5 The Taser

Zombie weapons

Get it? #5 absolutely will shock you! Haha! Yeah we hate click bait too but at least our lists will always be on the same page.

Tasers work well on some humans for sure. They drop and flop around like a chicken with its head cut off and even after the electricity has left their body they are incapacitated for a while. Yet others barely feel any affect from it at all.

A shot from a Taser can cause involuntary muscle contractions and a resulting sense of vertigo. It can momentarily stun or render an attacker unconscious, yet the Taser’s low electrical amperage and short duration of pulsating current, ensures a non-lethal charge. It does not cause permanent damage or long-term aftereffects to muscles, nerves or other body functions.

As far as zombie weapons go it’s pretty useless.

So use a Taser on a zombie if you want to see it dance the funky chicken but other than that it is virtually useless against them. However if you get a few of them in some knee deep water and light them up they could possibly perform the Thriller dance better than anyone since the death of MJ.

#4 Bow and Arrow or Crossbow

Zombie weapons

We are sure that we are going to lose a few of you here but let’s be honest. You are no Daryl Dixon, Green Arrow, or Hawkeye. Heck you aren’t even a Katniss Everdeen…but neither are we. In fact unless you are darn near an Olympic level competitive archer then save yourself the trouble.

But you say “How hard can it be?” right? Just pull back the little string thingy and let it go…BAM right in the head. As Dwight Schrute would say “FALSE!”.

You are right that shooting a bow and arrow is not hard, but it is extremely difficult to hit the target. Many factors influence the accuracy of the shot. Factors such as: wind, release, target distance, the state of mind of the shooter, and even vegetation. Yes vegetation! Unlike a bullet that will go through weeds and leaves an arrow’s accuracy can and will be affected by nearly any object it touches along its path. Including elemental factors like the wind or rain.

As far as zombie weapons go it’s pretty useless unless you are properly trained.

Don’t even get me started on the number of arrows you will lose. Even if you stick one directly into the head of a zombie there’s a good chance it will break OR go straight on through until it is just gone or hits something else that stops it…and breaks it. Unless you know how to make more you are going to run out just like bullets with a gun. Making arrows is more difficult than shooting them. It’s more than whittling sticks down to a sharp point.

The last point to make about bows and arrows would be taxation. No not from the IRS but the taxation of your muscles from pulling it back (or cocking the crossbow) over and over. Pulling back a 30lb bow (usually made for older boys and normal sized woman) is like lifting 30lbs from the floor to your face, while bent over, with one hand. Over and over again…with the same hand. By the end of the day you won’t be able to lift a fork to your mouth to feed yourself.

Here’s a video of a 17 year old trying to pull back a 30lb bow. Spoiler alert he’d be zombie food.

#3 A sword or machete

Zombie weapons

We are well aware that you have been trained in the ways of the sword since you were just a young Samurai out on the open plains wild west (or east) style. Handing the bad guys (or gals) their asses and saving the down trodden while being an every-man (or every-woman) hero that we can all look up to right? No? Well you’ve at least spent countless hours honing your craft as a swordsman (or woman) right? No? Then the chances are pretty high that you will not only fail in your attempt to decapitate a zombie but IF you get out alive you’ll be leaving with half your sword. You will probably end up breaking the sword on the first or second swing so as far as zombie weapons go it’s pretty useless.

Plus swords require sharpening and careful, tedious upkeep. Also, most swords nowadays are replicas, fakes, and in no way close to combat-ready.

But what about a clean decapitation you ask? Sure, there’s a chance for that, but only if you can cut through 50 spinal columns in a row. If you can do that you’re well on your way to ruling the apocalypse.

#2 A chainsaw

Zombie weapons

Hey if Ash from “Evil Dead” can swing this arm chainsaw around decapitating endless hordes of the undead surely you can too. After all he’s just a lovable goofball while you are a lean mean zombie killing machine right?

Wrong! Chainsaws have so many draw backs that if you were to find one the best thing to do would be to get the gas out of it and then throw the thing at the horde of zombies and hope they pick it up and try to use on you…and decapitate themselves in the funniest way possible (Cue the Benny Hill music).

When used properly of course the chainsaw can make quick work of trees and other stationary objects that are not trying to eat you. Using one for much else is an accident waiting to happen. As far as zombie weapons go it’s pretty useless.

First of all it makes a ton of noise which will attract more zombies. It’s a lot heavier than you think and awkward to swing around even if you are Leatherface looking to cut up a bunch of teenage hitchhikers. Heaven forbid the chain comes off (which happens to mine a LOT) or the thing dies on you. Can you just imagine pulling that stupid string over and over again while the zombies close in on you?

If you did attack a zombie you’d be covered in zombie goo which is just as contagious as a bite so cover your mouth, eyes, nose, and any open cuts or you’re the newest member of the Zeta Fraternity.

Lastly couldn’t you use the gas that powers this thing for something more important like a car or a generator….or an explosion of some sort?

#1 Flamethrower

Zombie weapons

Whoever came up with the flamethrower is one sick puppy!

Burning to death has to be one of the most painful ways to die and frightening to even think about. The only thing about that is that a zombie is already dead and he doesn’t feel or fear pain. So that brings me to the biggest point about a flamethrower IT DOESN’T KILL ZOMBIES. Not only does it not kill them, but now, instead of having a gang of the undead chasing after you, you now have a gang of the undead who also happen to be on fire chasing you and burning down your safe house too…so as far as zombie weapons go it’s pretty useless.

The chances of you finding a flamethrower is pretty low but if you do you’re better off swinging it over your head and trying to hit the zombies or hoping they trip over it after you toss it aside. Maybe you could rig it into some sort of bomb and try to blow them to hell but knowing our luck we’d end up just burning off our eyebrows and then becoming a zombie. How funny would a zombie without eyebrows be anyway?